How to make your Relationships Last

Ever wonder why a lot of relationships have sad endings? It's because most relationships are defined by what each person needs and it is this need or the drive to maintain this need is the reason why relationships fail. A key element in any relationship that most people miss is that a relationship between two people must be seen on terms of not only from the perspective of each but also realizing the fact that the relationship itself must be maintained and sustained in order to make it lasting. Let me explain that in simpler terms in the form of an exercise. Say you have issues which needs to be resolved between you and your spouse, mate, girlfriend or boyfriend. On a piece of paper make three columns and the title for each column is Myself, Our Relationship, and my spouse, mate, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. Now make 5 rows and on each row will be a key question pertaining to a key issues which needed undermining with respect to you, your partner, and the relationship you both share. Now, before we talk about what these questions or issues are, lets lay down some foundations first.

When we talk about a relationship or any relationship for that matter, the first word that comes to our minds is TRUST. In trusting we commit ourselves. If two people no longer trust each other then tensions arise. From tension develops distancing from one another and in that invisible field erected between two people another need is sought after and that need is SPACE. What most people do not realize is besides trust, RESPECT must also be highly thought of in a relationship. When I say respect it's not just to the person in question, mind you, but also that of self-respect. Remember that a relationship doesn't just involve two people. You need to factor in the circle of influences which have profound effects on both
people.There are actually many but your upbringing, culture, family, friends, and ideals constitute the main ones. Imagine yourself sitting by the beach one day,on your lunch break. You aren't hungry because you and your spouse had a big fight that morning and all that you could think of is who is at fault and where you had gone wrong IF it was indeed your fault. Hey, it could happen to you. It happens to the best of us. Then you see an elderly couple walk by holding hands with that inner sparkle still glimmering in their eyes as they look at each other and smile. Now wouldn't you be envious? I would. I certainly would. Then you ask yourself what their secret may be.

Let me let you in on a little secret-THERE IS NO SECRET.A healthy relationship must be nurtured and sustained, folks. It isn't because we get older by the day into our graying years that we forget why we chose a life-long partner in the first place. It's because your spouse or life-long mate COMPLETES YOU. Let me say that again- your partner in life COMPLETES YOU. You were never actually alone. You were made to be with someone in this world. You can call it anything you want; soul-mate, life-mate, whatever, but the fact is somewhere out there your partner is also searching, yearning to be complete as well. Some people go through relationships like they go through their wardrobes. There is always something lacking which they seek in a person, and until they find it they will keep searching. Ask them what that is and most of the time they don't know. Find someone special and STAY with that person.We can't all be choosers and aim for the homecoming queen. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship but you can love each other perfectly. Respect each others strengths and weaknesses. Complement one another and balance everything. Give each other some time to grow into your relationship as well as
grow individually. You will find that as the years come to pass,your level of sharing becomes all the more exciting and deeper. Find time to rekindle your moments with each other. Amidst your work, the kids, your mortgage, find a little time to revisit your old dating places. It's ok to be sentimental. We all are.
Yet as relationships go, there will be days when you find yourself questioning more than you do reminiscing and it's ok. What's important is you work at your issues TOGETHER with OPENNESS, RESPECT, and CARING. Sometimes in our frustrations and anger we hurt our loved ones, even if we do so unintentionally. My suggestion to you is during times of quarrels and heated disputes, walk away. Just walk away, regain your composure, then come back when the both of you can talk more calmly and with reason. While you are away think of these 5 questions. They are the 5 questions I mentioned in passing above. They are:

1. Where did WE go wrong? Notice that its a "WE" ad not an "I" or a "HE/SHE"

2. Why can't I change for her/him?

3. How can I regain his/her trust and respect again?

4. What are our options up to this point? How can we resolve this?

5. Is our relationship worth saving? Do we deserve each other?

Making relationships last takes a level of commitment most people are unprepared for. Try to see things not only from your perspective but also that from your partners' as well. Remember, we can never really prepare for any relationship, we simply have to accept each other for who we are, love one another for who and what we are, and make the best of every situation. It isn't easy and it takes time to fit into it and make it work. Remember, that when you hurt, so does your partner. Never see things from a selfish perspective. Like I said earlier, it takes two people to make love and relationships work.So, until our next post. Do love one another and take care of yourselves, you hear.

The 5 Steps of Forgiving

Why is it so hard for most of us to forgive? Maybe I should ask why is it so hard for us to ask for forgiveness? I mean let's face it folks, none of us want to admit we are wrong but we always make it a point to point out the wrongs of others. The fact is it takes A LOT to say you are sorry but it takes A WHOLE LOT MORE to forgive someone for it. You ever wonder why? Is it just human nature, you think?

The truth is no one really wants to admit they are wrong, even to themselves. They will put the blame on somebody else's fault but not theirs. Let me ask you this, which do you think is harder for you; saying that you are sorry or granting someone pardon for their mistakes, i.e. accepting their apology?

Forgiving or forgiveness in general says a lot of a person's character, really. Remember this; when you forgive, you, in return, are also forgiven. Now what does this mean to you, in particular, you may ask? We all make mistakes. Admitting our mistakes is the first step. This it turns out is perhaps the hardest of the 5 steps because it would take some humility on your part and a degree of willingness to change. It's always difficult to admit that you are wrong but you will be appreciated more when you do. When you say you are sorry give a reason why, don't just say, " I'm sorry", and leave it at that. Let's take, for example, a scenario where you have hurt your best friend. This is the ideal way to say that you are sorry.." I am sorry I hurt you. It wasn't my intention to do so. I was selfish (maybe you were), and I should have known better. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.". When you are honest and sincere enough, they will feel your apology.

The second step is working towards a feasible solution. You may not always like what that solution maybe even if it's for the "common good". This step will test your ability to compromise; to give and take. It takes some communicating on your part as well as in the part of the other person involved. Don't dig up old pains. Leave them behind. Remember you are working for a better jumpstart in your relationship. Talk about what you both can do to make your relationship work. No it isn't just patch up and make up. Lay your cards on the table and talk about your issues. Tell the other person how you really feel and listen to how they feel as well. Don't take any issue for granted or even as a silly one. It may feel silly to you but if it hurts them then it must have some importance to them.

The third and perhaps the most important step is closure. When you forgive someone its completely, not halfway through. What I mean by that is learn how to forget. Yes, forget. It is easier to forgive than forget sometimes but if you really meant to forgive then this is a non-issue. The reason why it's hard for us to forget is that we associate pain to that experience and whenever it's remembered, so is the pain. This takes time, of course. It's true when they say time takes away all things, even memory.

The fourth step is application. What have you learned from such an experience? Certainly, you may have discovered that we, as people in general, are really vulnerable to emotional insult. What's more we tend to avoid circumstances which may be a prelude to yet another repeat performance of having to say that you are sorry or having to accept someone else's apology, especially if the same issues are involved. Remember though that every experience in life, whether its pleasurable or painful, is a learning curve. I don't want you to think that you are weak when you say you are sorry whenever you commit a mistake. On the contrary, it in fact is a sign of strength in character and sound principles.

The fifth step is the more committed step because it involves change. You obviously had to change something to set things right and you obviously must maintain this change to keep things right. Once you have admitted your mistakes, resolved your issues, and worked towards a solution, the last thing to do is change towards maintaining what you have worked so hard together to achieve.

So, the 5 steps of Forgiving are;

1. Admit that you are wrong

2. Work your Issues out. Talk about feasible solutions

3. Closure

4. Apply what you have learned

5. Commitment to change.

So there you have it folks. Do take care and love one another. Until our next post...