The 5 Steps of Forgiving

Why is it so hard for most of us to forgive? Maybe I should ask why is it so hard for us to ask for forgiveness? I mean let's face it folks, none of us want to admit we are wrong but we always make it a point to point out the wrongs of others. The fact is it takes A LOT to say you are sorry but it takes A WHOLE LOT MORE to forgive someone for it. You ever wonder why? Is it just human nature, you think?

The truth is no one really wants to admit they are wrong, even to themselves. They will put the blame on somebody else's fault but not theirs. Let me ask you this, which do you think is harder for you; saying that you are sorry or granting someone pardon for their mistakes, i.e. accepting their apology?

Forgiving or forgiveness in general says a lot of a person's character, really. Remember this; when you forgive, you, in return, are also forgiven. Now what does this mean to you, in particular, you may ask? We all make mistakes. Admitting our mistakes is the first step. This it turns out is perhaps the hardest of the 5 steps because it would take some humility on your part and a degree of willingness to change. It's always difficult to admit that you are wrong but you will be appreciated more when you do. When you say you are sorry give a reason why, don't just say, " I'm sorry", and leave it at that. Let's take, for example, a scenario where you have hurt your best friend. This is the ideal way to say that you are sorry.." I am sorry I hurt you. It wasn't my intention to do so. I was selfish (maybe you were), and I should have known better. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.". When you are honest and sincere enough, they will feel your apology.

The second step is working towards a feasible solution. You may not always like what that solution maybe even if it's for the "common good". This step will test your ability to compromise; to give and take. It takes some communicating on your part as well as in the part of the other person involved. Don't dig up old pains. Leave them behind. Remember you are working for a better jumpstart in your relationship. Talk about what you both can do to make your relationship work. No it isn't just patch up and make up. Lay your cards on the table and talk about your issues. Tell the other person how you really feel and listen to how they feel as well. Don't take any issue for granted or even as a silly one. It may feel silly to you but if it hurts them then it must have some importance to them.

The third and perhaps the most important step is closure. When you forgive someone its completely, not halfway through. What I mean by that is learn how to forget. Yes, forget. It is easier to forgive than forget sometimes but if you really meant to forgive then this is a non-issue. The reason why it's hard for us to forget is that we associate pain to that experience and whenever it's remembered, so is the pain. This takes time, of course. It's true when they say time takes away all things, even memory.

The fourth step is application. What have you learned from such an experience? Certainly, you may have discovered that we, as people in general, are really vulnerable to emotional insult. What's more we tend to avoid circumstances which may be a prelude to yet another repeat performance of having to say that you are sorry or having to accept someone else's apology, especially if the same issues are involved. Remember though that every experience in life, whether its pleasurable or painful, is a learning curve. I don't want you to think that you are weak when you say you are sorry whenever you commit a mistake. On the contrary, it in fact is a sign of strength in character and sound principles.

The fifth step is the more committed step because it involves change. You obviously had to change something to set things right and you obviously must maintain this change to keep things right. Once you have admitted your mistakes, resolved your issues, and worked towards a solution, the last thing to do is change towards maintaining what you have worked so hard together to achieve.

So, the 5 steps of Forgiving are;

1. Admit that you are wrong

2. Work your Issues out. Talk about feasible solutions

3. Closure

4. Apply what you have learned

5. Commitment to change.

So there you have it folks. Do take care and love one another. Until our next post...